Fear

Originally this post was written on my Sprint Palm Pre @ 10pm after a concerned & caring phone call from my colleague, a few tears & a long ride home.

Now this is a post I wish I never had to write. At this present moment I am typing this on my phone after being arrested for assault. The reason I am doing so is to share some insight on a part of me I have no one to share with.

The story goes like this: As I am leaving work to head home to relax & watch some football my colleague tells me she needs to go to Rite Aid. I tell her I need to stop by the cleaners & I will meet her there. After I pick up my dry cleaning, from outside I see she's on line. When I walk in I see this jerk of a security guard. No acknowledgement. So I proceed to the register.

Now a bit of back story:
Last year I was stopped & accosted by this same security for shoplifting. Did I steal anything honestly no. A misunderstanding by an overzealous guard lead to police being called. To allow me to go home I signed a paper saying I was to never return even though they had no concrete proof like video or witnesses but I just wanted to go home. About a month later the manager of the store stops in to my bank and clearly says that the incident was a misunderstanding & that jerk is a lil to aggressive. He lets me know that its cool to return cuz he knows me.

Back to present day, said jerk proceeds to wait till me & my female friend are leaving to hop in front of me and ask me over to the side. I ask for what reason he gives no answer but that I wasn't to return. I proceed to let him know that the manager allows me back in. Now its been a good year since the incident. I proceed to leave he proceeds to hem me up which leads me to be passive aggressive and request he release me. No go. He proceeds to try & drag me in the store. Now the cops have already been alerted so I got a good 5 mins to get outta there. As he is physically trying to drag me, my coworker is there, my clients from the neighborhood is there so quite embarrassing no? As the dragging continues I grew tired of these events & I take this dude down.
Now quickly I'm 6'6 197 this dude had to be like 6'4 250 so I had to have that adrenaline pumping. I was scared that I did that. So now we on the ground he got my collar I got his neck with both hands. I again request he loos me. No go. I proceed to choke this dude. As I see his eyes turn bloodshot & his grip weaken I had a joyous feeling within me. As I squeeze and squeeze to try and subdue him I'm enjoying it. Then the fear sets in and I relax.

I stop here cuz this is where the cops came & cuffed me nearly breaking my wrist. After that is routine cop BS. I try so hard as a black man to avoid the system. No excuses ever made by me to the fact I am black. I take my life as it is & I live. This dude was black himself and he was hell bent on getting me knocked.

I also stop there as to reflect on the sheer enjoyment I felt when I had this guys life in my hands. As many of you know I am usually a cool calm & collected dude. Everybody's friend & part time acquaintance. But deep inside is this animal that I must not show cuz I have tried so hard to keep it contained. I fear the most that I will spend the rest of my life away from the ones I love cuz I couldn't control myself. I am my worst enemy & it makes me weep. I cried when the one I loved left me & I tried to mutilate myself. I cried when they tried to break my family up. And I cried when I sat in that cell. Not that I was sad or afraid of the police but because I didn't know if I would be ok within. I have limited close friends so I fight this demon alone. As I write now I wanna cry right here on the train & end it all. When I get home I will cry again. I write not only to help others but for rehabilitation on my soul.

When its all said & done you have just yourself in the end. This is my gift to you, a look into my heart, my soul, my mind so take me as I am & wish me well... Until I self-destruct...