Look Into My Heart

This post is somewhat hard for me to write. At this time I am feeling the need to cry. Since I have no one close to me now to express this to I will express in words.

At this time I have a extremely close member of my family going through a rough stretch of reality with a devastating disease. Anyone who knows me knows that once your close to me your in my heart forever. This comes about because I grew up with such a small family and that need of having a larger dynamic.

We have been dealing with this event for a while now and things seem to have turned the corner. Thank GOD for that which ever God you subscribe to. Everyday I have this person in thoughts because I love them as much as I love my mother. I could never look at this person in an ill light. Their offspring I consider siblings.

This person had to go out of town/country for treatment and it has recently come to my attention that they were able to receive direct communication while away. This comes as a shock to me because I would never have thought once they were where they are this was possible. The other shocking thing was that no one close to me felt the need to let me know this. I spoke to people on this situation and they gave me the generic answers leading me to believe everything is on the upward climb to recovery and no need to worry. Now I never blame anyone for my mistakes and i take full responsibility if this person was hurt by not hearing from me since they heard from everyone else. Yes I should of asked or even dug deeper into the situation and for that I am sorry.

What does hurt me the most is this person who I have loved at times more than myself was in a air of belief that I did not care and that I hurt them more so than ever before. To know this person so close to me feels like I forgot them is crazy. And no one could back me up, not that they need to, or express the shame I feel right now.

I have called them prior to me writing this post and we said we love each other and the forgiveness is there but I cant forgive myself as of now. So I write this wish and hoping when this person comes back that when I see them and look into their eyes the love they have always had for me is still there. Because if they look at me and I feel a change I just don't know if the same Robert Fortune will be present anymore...